Originally by Mark Johnson (johnson@wes.mot.com)
Last modified 12 September 1996 by Alan Brown (alan@manawatu.gen.nz)
Posting Schedule: Mondays, 0530 UTC, 0430 UTC during NZDT
Note: Careful readers will note there are no new jokes in this post,
so it's guilty of what it tries to discourage :-)
Welcome to rec.humor.
This article discusses the answers to questions frequently asked on rec.humor,
as well as (and more importantly) questions that people don't ask but should.
If you read and understand this thoroughly, you stand a reasonable chance of
posting to one of the most widely read newsgroups on the net without having
the rest of us think you are a complete blithering idiot. If you are, in
fact, an idiot, please include the word "IDIOT" in the subject headings of
all of your posts so that other users are forewarned.
An additional post to read is Andy Russo's "GUIDE: Voluntary Posting
Guidelines For Rec.Humor" This offers more (and more useful) help
for newbies.
Andy's Guide is posted via this account every Wednesday at 0530 UTC
or 0430 UTC if I'm in New Zealand Daylight Time
The following are (too) frequently asked questions on rec.humor:
Q: Can somebody send me the list of ________ jokes/million question purity
test?
A: Of course not, you cretin. Sending people things when asked only
encourages newbies to make more requests. If you really want to ask for
these lists, most of which are at best sophomoric and a waste of time to
sort through, you can do it on rec.humor.d where nonhumorous posts are
tolerated. If you are making this request simply to advertise the fact
that your IQ is lower than your shoe size, admit to having lost your
copy through some boneheaded luser maneuver like accidentally deleting
your archive directory.
Instead of posting your insipid request to rec.humor, try the sources
listed in Appendix A.
After trying all these sites, if you still haven't found what you're
looking for, go ahead and ask--IN REC.HUMOR.D!
Q: Me too!
A: So what you're saying here is that you, in addition to being at least as
stupid as the guy who first asked for it, lack the imagination to even
think up your own original request.
Q: Why don't you just post it?
A: Probably because it's already been posted four times this week. These
things show up again and again, and if you'd just wait quietly for a few
days you'd have the list _and_ your self-respect.
Q: Where can I get a bunch of ASCII pictures?
A: rec.arts.ascii ASCII art, info on archives, art, & artists. (Moderated)
Q': I don't get that group here.....
A': Bug your sysadmin, not us. The only people with control
over what a site gets are its administrators.
Q": But it's empty....
A": Looks like the moderator died. Try these ones instead:
alt.ascii-art, alt.ascii-art.animation, alt.binaries.pictures.ascii,
ascii-netz.an&verkauf, tw.bbs.literal.asciiart
If you care about bandwidth, only post in a.b.p.ascii
Q: I need some jokes about _________.
A: Then think some up. If they're any good, post them. That would be
worthwhile to read.
Q: I don't get this joke. Can someone explain it to me?
A: No. We're all laughing too hard about either:
a) You not getting a joke that's incredibly obvious to the rest of us.
b) You falling for a classic "non-joke"--that is, a joke that doesn't
really make sense, but is posted in the hopes that some moron like
you will wrack their brains trying to figure it out.
Q: I can't read this joke. Is it in Polish or something?
A: It's in rot-13. If you'd taken the time to read the documentation on
your newsreader, you'd probably discover a simple key that you could
press to decode it. But if you had done that, you'd probably also
have read news.announce.newusers and would know better than to post
this kind of brainless drivel on rec.humor. Once you get it all
figured out, you'll probably find that the joke is more offensive than
funny or that is says something like "I just posted this to irritate
all the morons who can't figure out ROT13."
Q: A man lives on the 20th floor of an apartment building. In the morning,
he gets on the elevator and goes to the first floor. In the evening, he
takes the elevator to the 12th floor and walks up the remaining 8. Why?
A: Because a person who would be in such a riddle has about the same IQ as
a person who would post it to rec.humor, and thus lacks the wit to think
of carrying with him something that would reach the buttons he's too
short to get with his finger. He also lacks the mental agility to
distinguish between humor and puzzles, which belong in rec.puzzles.
Don't try posting this one over there, though--they've seen it about as
many times as we have. It and about a bazillion others are listed in
the voluminous rec.puzzles archives. Another possibility is that climbing
8 floors is good exercise, something you should get instead of blobbing
out in front of this computer.
Q: What is the Green Golf Ball Joke (GGBJ)?
A: It is the holy grail of rec.humor; everyone looks for it, but it doesn't
exist. Some jokes have been written about green golf balls, or modified
to refer to green golf balls, but most of them have the same humor
potential as navel lint. Of course, there are those who are easily
amused and will claim to have the original, raucously funny GGBJ but be
unable to post it for some lame reason which would fool only algae, some
species of fungus, and of course you.
Note: To find the actual joke, you need only imagine trying to play
golf with a green ball.
Q: What is a cascade?
A: Well, there are a few people whose primary pastime before discovering
the net was collecting boogers which looked like famous people's
foreheads. Discovering that they had the power to post articles, but
still lacking the basic verbal skills required to actually come up
with some kind of a joke, they developed the cascade to replace
the pun as the lowest form of wit. Why they are in rec.humor, rather
than alt.cascade or alt.look.mom.my.name.is.on.the.computer, remains
a mystery.
Cascades can be avoided by using a KILLFILE.
For NN this can be achieved with: "rec.humor:!>s/:"
This entry will eliminate most followups, flames and cascades,
making rec.humor a much quieter place to read.
For other newsreaders, consult the documentation (RTFM). The RN
killfile FAQ is posted regularly in comp.answers and can be ftp'd
from rtfm.mit.edu or ftp://garbo.uwasa.fi/pub/pc/doc-net/killfile.zip
and ftp://garbo.uwasa.fi/pc/pd2/tspost17.zip
Q: Would everybody please send email to my friend?
A: No. If you had organized both of your brain cells enough to actually
think about this, you would have realized there are several reasons:
1. This is not funny and thus does not belong in rec.humor.
We might send _you_ some email pointing this out, but it
certainly doesn't predispose us to do you any favors.
2. Your credibility is already damaged by the the fact that
you referred to the intended recepient as your "friend,"
but then did the cybernetic equivalent of broadcasting
their phone number on the radio. Whether this is due to
dishonesty or basic stupidity is not our concern.
3. Most of us have lives. The people who send email to folks
they don't know because someone on the net asked them to
are mostly the same imbeciles that call late-night radio
talk shows. They are not the type of people you want to
associate with. On the other hand, you're probably not
the type of people you want to associate with.
4. If your "friend" finds out who asked 55 million people
to stuff hir mailbox, we'll probably see you on the 6pm
news with an axe embedded in your skull, particularly if
they have to pay for their mail like 90% of net users.
This is funny as hell for us but you won't see it that way.
QUESTIONS WHICH ARE NOT FREQUENTLY ASKED ON rec.humor, BUT SHOULD BE:
Q: What is rec.humor.d?
A: Rec.humor.d is for discussion related to humor, but not actually humorous.
This includes requests for jokes, discussions of jokes, questions and
answers relating to mainstream comedy, comments about rec.humor traffic,
etcetera--in short, most of the stuff that dipshits like you erroneously
post to rec.humor.
Acid test: Before you post something, think to yourself: "Is this
funny?" Not topical, not relevant, not important, but _FUNNY_. If
you don't find it amusing, redirect it to rec.humor.d. If you do find
it amusing, find somebody with a functioning brain to double-check it
for you. If you don't know anyone like this, submit the post to
rec.humor.d--if it's _not_ funny, they'll post it there and save you
the trouble. If you don't know how to redirect a post to another group,
please edit the subject line to include the word "IDIOT" as described
above.
Q: What is rec.humor.funny?
A: An oxymoron. It is a moderated group based on the theory that the
definition of humor is any inappropriate combination of UNIX,
Star Trek and Monty Python.
Q: What is an OBJ?
A: It stands for OBligatory Joke. If you are suffering from some psychotic
disorder which causes you to make inappropriate (i.e., non-humorous)
posts to rec.humor, the very least you can do is demonstrate some basic
level of rational thought by appending an OBJ. Note that since this
joke has the added baggage of your other worthless drivel to support,
it had better be well above the standard level of joke found on the
group. This means:
* It should be a joke which has not been posted in the last few
days. This means either that you made it up or that you took
the trouble to read the group a little bit before posting.
* It has to be funny. Try it on a couple of friends before
subjecting the whole net to it. Make sure one or two people
you try it on are from outside the asylum. Finally, submit it
to rec.humor.funny--if they accept it, you can bet it's not
funny enough for r.h.
* Naming someone or something you don't like and implying that
they are the OBJ _DOES_NOT_COUNT_. Only imbeciles do this.
* Don't mention the OBJ and then provide only a lame excuse for
not having one. The phrase "I AM A MORON FLAME ME LOVE BIFF"
is just as effective and at least gets you points for honesty.
Q: Is rec.humor a good place to post a test?
A: For you, it probably is. Of course there's a group called misc.test
where this would actually be appropriate, but lots of people post tests
there so you'd actually have to be able to read your own name to be
able to differentiate your tests from other peoples. By posting the
test to rec.humor, you send the important message "Hey, everybody!
Not only am I too feeble-minded to post this in an appropriate group,
I don't even have the common sense to think of a joke to type in!"
Q: I just saw a joke which offended me. What should I do?
Q2: That last joke wasn't funny!
A: Get a sense of humor, and a life, in that order. If these things are not
available at your site, unsubscribe to rec.humor. If you feel you must
discuss your outrage publicly, redirect your followup to rec.humor.d or
alt.flame, depending on how rational you feel. If you're sure that
you're entirely rational and that everyone on the net agrees with you,
you'd better stick with alt.flame.
Some posts are clearly intended more to offend than to entertain.
These posts are clearly nothing more than a pathetic cry for attention,
and responding to them in any way only encourages the author to
continue in the same vein. In particular, posts which use lots of
swearing don't go down well. Be subtle.
Q: Has anyone heard...
A: Most probably. Jokes make it to rec.humor within hours of inception.
If you got this joke by email, chances are the person who sent it to you
got it from here. This is particularly true if it in any way involves
Mike Hunt, KOME, the towns Fertile, Climax or Scunthorpe, the phrase
"Confucius say," or the word "blonde".
Here is how most jokes propagate:
1. Somebody makes up the joke.
2. The joke spreads to about 50 people.
3. Somebody posts it to rec.humor.
4. Ten thousand people read the joke on rec.humor.
5. Eight hundred of these people repeat the joke to somebody.
6. Twenty of _those_ people are clueless enough to repost the joke to
rec.humor, apparently lacking either the reading skills to have
seen it the first time, the basic pattern-recognition capability
to identify it in its last ten repetitions, or the short-term
memory to realize that it's the same joke again.
7. Loop back to step 4, about ten times.
8. Repeat from step 3 about every two months.
Your best bet is to read the group for an absolute minimum of two weeks
before posting it. If the joke hasn't been posted for two weeks, other
users' estimation of your IQ should at least be in the double digits.
It would be best if you also sorted through all of the sources listed
below in Appendix A to make sure that the joke is really new.
In particular, we have all heard jokes on these subjects too many times:
Dead babies
Helen Keller (and her dog)
"Mommy Mommy"
The absurdist joke (note that they are all really the same joke)
Blonde/J.A.P./Sorority/Essex girls/prostitutes
Answering machine messages
Leprosy/Mongolism/Cripple/Mental illness/handicap
Pickup lines
Steven Wright
Practical jokes - in particular, Dorm/college pranks.
Cheers/Married With Children lines
Monty Python - any and all quotes and ideas
Erroneous mathematical proofs
"Make like a **** and ****"
Shit List
Funny place/people/radio station names
"Confucius Says"
Deep Thoughts
Why *** is better than ***
"Yo Momma is so fat/loose/wears combat boots" etc
Sexually transmitted diseases
Pimples
Police Jokes
Sexual limericks
Political Correctness
Oxymorons (particularly "Jumbo Shrimp" and "Military Intelligence")
Most of these are available as lists--check out the Canonical List of
Lists as described below, or wait for it to show up on rec.humor.d.
If your joke does not appear on the appropriate list, by all means post
it. Also send it to the list maintainer to save the rest of us from
seeing it six times a week for the next five years.
Q: Is it okay to post something not at all funny to rec.humor in order to
make sure it gets a large readership?
A: If your goal is to make as many enemies in a short time as possible, sure.
If you expect a lot of tired, inebriated or cranky people looking for
a little humor to brighten up thier day to respond positively to a
completely inappropriate posting in a clearly-labeled newsgroup, then at
least posting it here will confer an accurate impression of your overall
intelligence and level of social skills.
Q: I just saw an article on rec.humor that wasn't funny. Should I post
an followup on rec.humor pointing out that that article wasn't funny?
A: *sigh* You just don't get it, do you?
Q: I saw a posting with several spelling and grammatical errors. Should I
followup with my corrections to it?
A: It depends. If you are having a conversation with somebody who makes
grammatical and pronunciation errors, do you repeat their quotes back to
them with corrections? If not, don't do it on the net. If so, don't
ever, ever post anything at all to the net.
Q: I heard that joke before, but slightly different. Should I follow up with
a post of my version?
A: By all means. This will show that you are capable of basic pattern
recognition, which will marginally improve everyone's opinion of you
since you posted to that cascade.
Q: If I follow up to an article, how much of it should I quote?
A: As much as you want. Remember that our estimate of your IQ is:
#original lines
100*-----------------
#quoted lines
This rule of thumb generally works well, especially for cascades.
Q: Squirrels ate my TV antenna, and I can live no longer
without hearing David Letterman's latest Top Ten List.
What should I do?
A: Consider conselling. Either that or see if your site
offers the newgroups alt.fan.letterman or alt.fan.letterman.top-ten
(check your .newsrc file). Duh!
Q: No, really. Can't I get these things mailed to me?
A: Yes. Send Dave a whole bunch of stamps, and he will personally lick your
envelope. His life is as meaningless as yours. Following are some other
ways to get the lists. If the person who told you about the lists REALLY
liked you, the elitist pig would have given you a copy, since this is all
there, right at the bottom.
>The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated.
>Used with permission.
>
>TOPTEN is also reflected to the newsgroups alt.fan.letterman.top-ten
>and alt.fan.letterman.
>
>To leave the list, mail LISTSERV@LISTSERV.CLARK.NET with the message
> SIGNOFF TOPTEN
>To join the list, mail same with the message SUBSCRIBE TOPTEN Your Name
------------------------------------------------------------------
There's now a web site which is in the process of moving.
Eventually someone will get around to mailing it to me. (HINT!)
Q: How do I keep from seeing the FAQ?
A: Put a line in your killfile reading
/FAQ/:j
I will try to remember to put FAQ in the subject line, so that
this will kill it before you have to see it.
If you do not have a kill file, I suggest you get a different newsreader
and/or become acquainted with the 'n' key.
Other useful killfile anti-certain-people entries are:
/evansb@pairgain.com/h:a (Kills all articles from or referring to
Captain Nitpick)
/ibs4s@/h:j (Dr Rocket)
/ibs4s@Virginia.EDU/h:j (Dr RocKeT again)
/ibs4s@fermi.clas.Virginia.EDU/h:j (And again!)
/shambati@cais2.cais.com/h:j (sigh...)
/shambati@access2.digex.net/h:j
/pp001223@interramp.com/h:j (Arrrgh!!!)
/@unicorn.nott.ac.uk/h:j (The EXPLAINOR)
/ls973@uacsc1.albany.edu/h:j (Little Miss Nitprick)
/sera@zuma.UUCP/h:j (The infamous Turkish 'bot)
/news@papaioea.manawatu.planet.co.nz/h:j (The 'bot which posts this)
while useful subject kill entries are:
/ascade/:j "I have no brain"
/test/:j "I'm a wombat"
/rec\.humor/:j Should be in rec.humor.d
/^Newsgroups: .*,.*,.*,.*,.*,.*,.*,/h:=:j Crossposting hell
/america/:=:j Tends to be xenophobic garbage
/Re:*/h:j Followups, usually non-funny
For more info on killfiles, consult the RN killfile FAQ,
posted monthly into news.answers.
Contributions to this FAQ are appreciated.
Flames may be submitted to my secretary, nemo@dev.null.
Note: I pay for incoming mail - please don't bother me unless it's relevant.
BTW: Brad, Maddie - just kidding - mostly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Appendix A: List of sources of lists and other miscellany.
Note: If you don't have anonymous FTP, most of these lists are posted
periodically on rec.humor.d. Some sites also offer "ftp by mail"
services.
Sites come and go with monotonous regularity - too often for
me to keep up with, stuck with solo system adminstration.
Make sure the archive still exists before raiding it and if you
maintain an archive, please advise its arrival or demise to
alan@manawatu.planet.co.nz
"The Canonical List of Canonical Lists",
and other frequently requested items: Posted to rec.humor.
! http://www.visi.com/~nathan/humor/canon/index.html
! This is maintained by nathan@visi.com (Nathan Mates)
DON'T ASK HIM FOR THE LIST!!!! Grab it from the above site
Blonde jokes: st17y@jane.uh.edu (Belding, Troy C.)
Practical jokes: marc@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (marc)
davidv@sco.COM (David Vangerov)
Wedding jokes: jhutto@usa.pipeline.com (JR Hutto)
Married with Children quotes: rlpst@pitt.edu (Robert L Pack)
(apparently this address is defunct. Pointers to a new site appreciated)
Smileys: comp.sources.misc, subject v23i102 smiley/part01 smiley - smiley server
or anonymous ftp to
wuarchive.wustl.edu: usenet/comp.sources.misc/volume23/smiley/part01.Z
ftp.uu.net: usenet/comp.sources.misc/volume23/smiley/part01.Z
Other less specific sources of humor:
=========ANONYMOUS FTP:========
(Note: IP numbers change. Verify with NSLOOKUP. If a site goes away
and you're responsible for it, please notify me. If you're not
responsible for it, wait for a couple of days before telling me,
to give the site maintainer time to do so. This list is not gospel.)
algol.cs.umbc.edu /pub/funny
cathouse.org /pub/cathouse/humor
cs.dal.ca /pub/comp.archives/alt.humor.oracle
/pub/comp.archives/rec.humor
/pub/comp.archives/rec.humor.d
csseq.cs.tamu.edu /ACM/aggie
donau.et.tudelft.nl /pub/humor
ftp.uu.net /doc/literature/obi/DEC/humor
ftp.cco.caltech.edu /pub/humor (For listing: /pub/humor/FileList)
gatekeeper.dec.com /.0/misc/humour
irie.ais.org /pub/humor
jerico.usc.edu /pub/jamin/sciina
laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au /pub/Documents/Humor
mc.lcs.mit.edu /its/ai/humor
mintaka.lcs.mit.edu /humor
nic.funet.fi /pub/misc/funnies
/pub/misc/old-hsu-archive/publicdomain/texts/humor
ftp.ocf.berkeley.edu /pub/Library/Humor
rtfm.mit.edu /pub/humor
puffin.doc.ic.ac.uk /doc/humour
quartz.rutgers.edu /pub/humor
rascal.ics.utexas.edu /misc/funny
shape.mps.ohio-state.edu /pub/jokes
sifon.cc.mcgill.ca /pub/docs/misc/dave_barry
slopoke.mlb.semi.harris.com /pub/doc/humor
srawgw.sra.co.jp /.a/sranha-bp/arch/arch/comp.archives/auto/alt.humor.oracle
/.a/sranha-bp/arch/arch/comp.archives/auto/rec.humor
/.a/sranha-bp/arch/arch/comp.archives/auto/rec.humor.d
theta.iis.u-tokyo.ac.jp /JUNET-DB/jokes
toklab.ics.osaka-u.ac.jp /JUNET-DB/jokes
tolsun.oulu.fi /pub/humor
trantor.ee.msstate.edu /files/Text
ugle.unit.no /pub/misc/humor
=========World Wide Web========
LaughWeb http://www.misty.com/laughweb/
Married with children:
http://wwwzenger.informatik.tu-muenchen.de/persons/paula/mwc/text/MWC_quotes
Nathan Mates http://www.visi.com/~nathan/humor/index.html
Steven Willoughby's http://www.synapse.net/~oracle/Contents/HumorArch.html
Oracle Service http://www.synapse.net/~oracle/
!Wrecked humor http://www.concentric.net/~dcashman/humor
(That's all folks!)
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